My baby Loki passed away.
His cancer came back and took him so fast. He died under my bed and I have been in a bit of a fog. I’ve been back and forth to the vet trying to figure out what was going on, and I think part of me just didn’t want to believe that the cancer had returned.
He was only 7. I wanted so many more years with him.
I’ve been looking back through pictures that I have on my phone, and I can’t get over how little he was when he first arrived in my life. I’m guessing he was probably only about three months. He was so tiny.
His first few days in the house, he was so very scared. He hid at the top of the basement steps for a while until one Sunday afternoon, I decided I was going to get him to trust me. I laid down on the kitchen floor and waited him out.
He would pop his little head above the top step to see if I was still there, and I cooed at him and told him I wouldn’t hurt him. Eventually, he tentatively came up the stairs and between one blink and the next, he was rubbing all along my arms and purring, and he’s been my baby ever since.
He was a stinker, though. Loki did things his way, and nothing was going to change that.
He had to inspect everything that I brought into the house. He always wanted to know what was going on, outside or inside.
He was the kind of cat who would knock things over all the time. He had that specific twinkle in his eye – even from a young age – that made you realize he was only a breath away at any given moment of getting into some kind of mischief.
If he knew I didn’t want him to do something, I swear he would make a concerted effort to do it.
When I would do laundry in the basement, he would watch from the top step.
He drank from the sink in the bathroom, and always demanded I turn the faucet on.
He was a force to be reckoned with, and I don’t have adequate words to express how very, very much I miss him.
I feel like there’s a hole in my life that I can’t fill. I swear, some days I still look for him. I think to myself, I haven’t seen Loki in a while, where is he?
And then I remember.
He’s not coming back.
It’s so bizarre to think so much character and personality and sparkle could be packed into, really, what amounted to such a tiny, little package.
And it’s overwhelming and poignant to know how much he figured into my life.
I saw him and talked to him every day. Every. Day. I can’t even say that about my family members.
He was with me when I watched sad movies or got happy news about my nieces being born or even on those days I was just so tired after a long week.
My other cats know. They saw him – even though they were freaked out by him – before I took him to be cremated.
Grayson has been particularly interested in snuggles, and I am more than happy to oblige. I adore him so very much and am so incredibly glad he’s with me.
My other felines are far more standoffish, so they give me looks like they know something has happened, but they’re not as solicitous as my Grayson.
I just can’t get over how much I feel this loss.
Loki was a brat. He was obstinate. He was a turd when he wanted to be, but he saved me.
He came into my life exactly when I needed him, and I hope with every cell in my body that somehow he knows how very, very much he meant to me.
I told him before he left me to wait for me at the Rainbow Bridge, and that’s where I picture him now – he’s likely causing all kinds of havoc, but that’s my boy.
I hope he’s healthy and no longer in pain and is chasing plastic rings from bottles until his heart is content.
I don’t know how to end this because I don’t know how to truly say goodbye to him. I suspect he will be with me, in my heart, until I breathe my last breath on this planet, just like he did under my bed a few days ago.
I love you so, so much, Loki, and will miss you with every beat of my heart.
*****
Jennifer Vanderau is the director of communications for the Cumberland Valley Animal Shelter and can be reached at cvascomm@cvas-pets.org. The shelter accepts both monetary and pet supply donations. For more information, interest parties may call the shelter at 263-5791 or visit the website www.cvas-pets.org. CVAS also operates thrift stores in Chambersburg and Shippensburg. Readers are asked to help support the animals at the shelter by donating to or shopping at the stores.
